What the Heck Am I Doing? (part 1) — Madeline K Barry Fine Art

This past year has been a whirlwind for me. It's been a series of incredible adventures, some pretty intense heartbreak, a lot of doubt, and an incredibly complex process of learning to trust. This post was inspired by my sweet sister, Molly. She reminded me that the stories Jesus write through our lives are not just for us, they are so people in our lives can see Jesus. So, I hope this does that for you- I'm praying Jesus uses this mess of a story to encourage you and draw you into his fierce, intense, exciting, adventurous love. Here goes (and good luck getting all the way through it).

This time last year I was in full on panic mode, working about 50 hours a week to put together an event called Unify Greenville. This was an event I felt called to put together at the beginning of my high-school career, and worked 3 full years to accomplish. When I say I felt called to it, I don't mean it was an idea I had and decided would be fun to try. No, I mean I was given a vision, a picture in my mind, during a time of worship. I had never had a vision from the Lord, and it quite frankly scared me to death. The picture was of an arena, full to the brim of students worshipping- different races, different churches, different schools, all in one room, crying out to Jesus for revival in Greenville, South Carolina. After trying to ignore the vision for quite some time, I encountered dozens of people that would speak of the same idea, same vision they had from God, or someone they knew wanting to do the same thing. Essentially, I was trying to run in the other direction simultaneously screaming "No, Jesus there is absolutely no way!" and He was not letting me do that.

Though I tried to avoid it, I and a team of 23 other students began to take steps toward the fulfillment of this vision. With the help of some pretty incredible leadership, we worked together over three years to create a space for the churches of Greenville, South Carolina to come together for one night to worship, to pray, and to beg God to move in our city. Now, when I tell you I have never worked harder for something, I mean I genuinely don't think I slept for an entire year. We worked day in and day out to coordinate a volunteer team, a band, a venue, a setlist, do all of the church outreach, create a vision of what we wanted for lighting and sound, and fundraise thousands of dollars, Right here, I wanted to say I was pushed to my limits through those months, but then I realized how far past those limits I was pushed, so I backspaced and wrote this instead: I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE BEEN PUSHED SO FAR OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE. Before I even realized what was happening, I was leading a team of 23 students, 5 adults, in charge of reaching out to thousands of people, and also trying to figure out what to do with my life after high school. Miracle after miracle happened, and the event came together. Almost 2,000 people, and SIXTY SIX of them decided to follow Jesus. Essentially, the only reason that event happened and I somehow am alive on the other side of it is because of Jesus, and the Unify Greenville team. We should not have been able to do what we did, but this was God's Church, God's city, and God's event, and He wanted His people to come together and worship. As a result of being pushed so far out of my comfort zone throughout those three years, I learned to rely on Jesus in so many new ways. I can honestly say I had never been closer to Jesus, more filled with passion for what I was working towards, and more fulfilled by the community around me.

When the event had passed, all except for two of my friends and Unify teammates moved away to pursue college and other opportunities the Lord was calling them to. On top of that, I found out I had been left with thousands of dollars of unexpected debt. Reality felt like a ton of bricks that had just been smashed into my skull. I began to question God's faithfulness, His sovereignty, and even His love for me. I was so confused as to why He would give me a vision for something like this, perform miracle after miracle in order to see it happen, give me such an amazing community, and then take all of that away, leaving me alone in Greenville working at Starbucks trying to pay off a $20,000 loan. Yeah, you read that right- $20,000. I was hesitant to throw that number out there, but it will make sense in just a minute.

So for 6 months, I worked. I tried to save money, but usually spent it on clothes because I genuinely have a shopping disorder. I struggled with having no community, and I slowly made the decision to not follow Jesus any more. I had found Him to be faithful countless times, but now that it mattered the most, I did not find that to be true. I was left all alone living at my parents house, waking up at 5am to make coffee, unable to go to college because of a loan taken out purely to do what I felt He had called me to do. Let me tell you, that season was dark. I have never been more confused about who Jesus was and what He wanted for my life. I felt tied to an organization that I didn't have any passion for anymore, and to a responsibility that I could never take care of on my own. I didn't realize how dark my thoughts and life had become until a conversation with my previously mentioned, incredibly sweet sister. It hit me that I was at the point of wanting to quit my own life, wanting to end it all. She encouraged me, she spoke life into my heart, she inspired me to keep going even though all I wanted to do was quit.

At that point, I realized something had to change. Either Unify Greenville had to be put on hold, someone needed to donate $20,000 to an organization that was not active at the time, or I needed to leave Greenville. I secretly hoped for a combination of all three, which is surprisingly and incredibly what I got.

Endless Love,

M ♥️

My incredibly beautiful and inspiring therapist/sister, Molly. @mjwike