Need.

Yesterday, I came to terms with myself. (lol again…?) I don’t know how many of you do this, but I realised I’ve been convincing myself for a month that I’m fine. And well, I. am. not. fine.

I was explaining to a friend how life has been lately, and my words rang in my own ears. I am dealing with a freaking LOT. 

If you’re anything like me, you’re hoping right now that I’m going to list all the things I’ve been going through.

You’ll most likely go through my list and subconsciously (or consciously…?) compare it to the list of things you’re dealing with. You’ll decide what you’re going through is not as bad, and you’ll scold yourself for feeling stressed over such trivial things. Or, you’ll have a fleeting thought that I’m being dramatic over the things that are causing me stress, and therefore you must be tougher and stronger and than me.

It’s kind of like that sick game we play stalking fitspo people on Instagram just to see how much better they are than we are… Just me? ‘Mkay. 


I really almost wrote out this list of all the things I’m dealing with so that I could look at it for myself and determine whether it was worth feeling agitated, unsettled, and overwhelmed over. And as I began to write it out, I stopped myself. I have been doing this for weeks now. Evaluating my issues, comparing them to the people around me, then minimising my feelings and telling myself, “Absolutely not, Madeline. You are not stressed. You are fine, and you will continue to be fine. ~ God is everything you need ~ and ~ if you really believed truth, you wouldn’t be feeling this way ~ "

I’m realising those things just aren’t true. 

“You have a fear of taking. Of needing. You have minimised yourself for years because people around you in the past needed the attention and energy that you genuinely also needed. You made yourself smaller because you thought it would help the situation be whatever it ‘should have been’ in your mind. You’re terrified to require anything from anyone.” 

My body literally shuddered as I wrote these words this morning.

"You think you’re only as good as what you’re giving. You think the situation, relationship, or job is only ‘correct', that I’m only proud of you when you are adding something, not when you’re taking. But I didn’t create relationships to work that way. 

The reason you’re so afraid of needing is because you’re afraid whomever you need now will not be there for you to need later. 

"Madeline, you’re terrified of being alone, so you conjure up your best independence to prepare for the worst. 

But I created you to need, to accept aid as it comes, receiving then giving, in a delicate and magnificent cycle." 

Fear interrupts this cycle. It says “one day you’ll be gone. Therefore, I don’t want to accept from you because it will mean pain when you leave” And it’s true- they will all leave.

If we are able to accept that concept, we are able to embrace that there’s more. There is more love, more aid to be poured out on us, more people that have things our souls ache for that we can’t even imagine having in our current state. 

”Your relationships will only be hurtful if you don’t allow yourself to need. You have to be brave. It’s time to step out and fearlessly, without guilt, take. Stop trying to convince them you’re healthy, that you’re okay, that you can handle more, that you’re self sufficient. Stop trying to make your relationships about productivity, like you have been everything else. Choose into your needs, and it will free you." 

When we risk being desperate, unapologetically, it actually gives both parties life. It frees us again to love well, without striving to be all they need, thus ignoring and minimising our own needs.

I need my boyfriend to listen to me, to remind me that I'm beautiful. I need my roommate to tell me who I am when I forget. I need my teammates to help me process my thoughts externally. 

It terrifies me.

But needing people is so much more beautifully complex than eternally depending on them. 

We need seasonally, weekly, momentarily, cyclically. To have one need, and therefore one fulfilment forever would be stale, beige. This tapestry of need is complex, but it doesn’t have to be scary. The Divine does not operate under the concept of lack. We don’t live in a world of “barely enough”. 

We are always at risk of losing someone that we need. That’s how life works for now, as we spin around in endless star-soaked blackness on this tiny blue dot. 

But what If we trusted that we will have who we need when we need them, perfectly fitting the lack in ourselves? Would it will free us to need them unreservedly, naturally?

Because we really already do. What if we stopped trying to convince ourselves that we don’t?

As these saints transition in and out of our lives, whether tragically, or slowly, or without anyone hardly noticing, like drifting down the shore when there’s an undertow… We do and we will have exactly who we need. What we need. When we need.

“You have perfect provision. 

Physically.

Mentally.

Spiritually.

Emotionally.

I love to involve my sacred ones in fulfilling all your needs.