chameleons are their own species. — Madeline K Barry Fine Art

Three ideas rocked me today.

Surrender. To be alive for something other than ourselves, while simultaneously being fully ourselves. It’s a paradox that takes mindfulness to habitate. Surrender is not an abandoning of self. No, it’s a choice to be so fully committed to who we are in this very moment, with every single un-ticked to-do and opportunity for self improvement, and to give that self fully to Someone else. A choice to trust that even though we're not “enough", the giving away is what we were created for.
Stop imitating. To choose to look, really look at the culture around us. The ideals, the rituals, the soul-deep beliefs, the messiness, the issues, the things are working beautifully. To cease fire and judgement of everything and everyone we see and to instead run into the truth we know that’s already in us.
To be inwardly transformed. A total reformation of how we think. An undoing of old thought patterns, an unraveling of mindsets that have developed from trauma, a recreation of perspective that says “I’ve been disappointed by this before but I’m daring to believe it could be worthy of my energy again” What if we truly allowed our insides to bloom and grow? Continually, rhythmically.

When we surrender to something bigger than us.

When we abandon the need to appease those that matter most to us.

When we allow ourselves to truly transform.

Then we know. Then we can discern what’s actually meant for us.

I’m using “we” but this is deeply individual, personal.

I mourned again today. The loss of a dream that was true, deep, holy, to see the Body of Jesus unite for a city. A dream that was totally meant for me. And now, one that isn’t.

I still believe He could pull it up out of nowhere, redeem it fully, launch me with a million tons of force right back into what I thought was lost. However, this morning I made peace (again) that if He doesn’t, it’s not wasted.

I needed, through that period, to see that unity was possible. Large scale, massively, and that I truly had what it took to steward such things, to go after whatever I am called to with such ferociousness and sureness that I am qualified- even though I am most definitely not.

"When you look back on what you did, it makes sense to continue in the same sphere of work even if in a different setting, because now you now have the skills, more of an understanding. But it made absolutely no sense when you set out to pursue it. You only knew my heart- which is all I ever asked of you.
You feel like a chameleon because
1. You are.
2. You’re in the midst of a color change.
This change doesn’t make you less of what you were or what you are today. You’re surrounded by purple things, you look down and realize you’ve become purple. You look around and wonder ‘haven’t I always been purple? This purple place feels like destiny.' You belong perfectly in that moment. You don’t feel like a fraud, you’re home.
——
You’re not a fake event planner if you don’t plan any more mass conferences. You’re not a fraudulent artist as you fumble around and discover how to be one.
You’re not fake. You are able to fit completely and beautifully where I say, when I say because you follow where I lead.
You are what you are. Change is a part of your DNA.

And still the question: What the hell is my natural color? When I’m not changing to adapt to whatever is around me? Who am I when I’m all alone?

The answer: Still a chameleon.

“the natural color of a CHAMELEON” as described on google, "some yellow pigments, which combined with the blue reflected by a relaxed crystal lattice results in the characteristic green color”

Not any one color. Complicated. All its own. Not less because it changes.

I come to realize my identity is not dependent on who I am in a phase. I’m not an artist, an event planner, an administrative, a creative… And yet I’m all of these things, deeply… truly.

"This kind of life takes humility. The acceptance of being more than one thing takes the willingness to say “I may never be great or famous in any one area and that’s okay” It means being known deeply for a season and possibly being forgotten by those people in the next. “

This aren’t words of self-pity. They’re honest - I’m not sure I have what it takes for this kind of life. These words are surrender.

It is impossible to void the impact, belonging, and identity of who and what you were in that season. Your identity is genuine, honest, profoundly valuable long after a particular manifestation of it comes to a close.

To be faithful to my soul as it was called, when it was called, in whatever way I knew to be faithful.

To trust that my influence, status, and qualification is not and will never be based on my own ability to build it, but on my identity- which is already established.

Daughter. And chameleon.

To surrender fully to what we feel we must be today requires a surrender of what we have been.

Because the surrender to this seasonal identification does not void the trueness of the last one.

… this includes the need to explain yourself to yourself.