Epiphany

Today I finally broke. 

After a really tough last week, weekend, and Monday, I absolutely lost it. 

I finally came to a few realizations:

• I worked a 12 hour day tediously correcting work that was done by a coworker
• I was going home to a roommate-less apartment because she moved out yesterday without telling me, and I have no idea why
• I was lost on the wrong street (AGAIN) 
• It was getting dark (D.C. is scary)
• I was lonely and I was sad.

After taking some wrong turns I finally found my apartment and drug myself up the stairs to a dark, cold, lonely room. I told myself I should probably eat something, so I got some peppers and hummus because, just to add to the lovely list, my stove doesn't work, and I almost set off the fire alarm in my apartment complex. 

I know this sounds dramatic. That's cause it is. Go with me here. 

I sat down at my table and I knew I couldn't hold back the tears I had shoved down my throat in my stupid cubicle all day. Do you ever feel sad, then only feel worse because you finally let yourself be sad? That's how I felt. Wasn't crying supposed to make you feel better? I didn't. I felt lonelier, and more helpless. 

I pulled out my journal and began to write. Partly praying, partly ranting, partly crying out for help. 

"Lord, I feel so out of place, so alone. I feel like no one sees me, no one cares how I'm doing. And I feel so selfish saying these things. I know I'm supposed to be a "there you are" person. I know my job is to love people and serve. Jesus, it's so hard to do life alone and I don't know what to do. Nothing feels homey, nothing feels life-giving. Jesus, is this right? Is this what you said, what you want? You told me to go love these people but I can't even do that because I'm stuck at my desk alone doing spreadsheets...

God, where is the life in this city?"

When I wrote that, it hit me. I wasn't purely sad about my situation, my loneliness, or even feeling like I made the wrong decision to come here. I realized my heart was breaking because there is no life in this city. 

The news is plastered everywhere I look in this city. You can't escape it. Another bombing, another shooting, another scandal, another person hurting someone else somewhere that we can't help.

There are business men and women practically running from place to place, so unaware of who and what surrounds them. I'm afraid I'm beginning to act like one. 

The people here are nothing like they are at home. No one wants to have a conversation. We all just brush past one another, pretending the other hardly exists. 

I see and hear the Church so caught up in religion and legalism, forcing their values as hard as they can down every throat they come in contact with. 

There are homeless people strewn across every street you walk down, yelling and begging for help. I can hear them telling each other how they just need 1 or 2 more quarters, desperation in their voices. Every one of them you pass asks for food, for change, for any type of hope that life can be better than where they are now. They sleep on hard concrete in the sweltering heat to avoid waking to face reality. I can't help them all, so I just continue walking, my head hanging down, tears welling up, so I don't have to face the reality of what I'm seeing. 

I could hardly breathe the tears were coming so strongly at this point. But it wasn't because of "poor me".

It was because I haven't seen love in this city. 

God we need to hear you, we need to see your hands and your face. I need to feel you breathe on this city. I need to hear your heart beat and see your people act. God, your people don't act like your people when I see them here. I know I am just like them, and I hate it. Lord, show me someone who loves you. Make me someone who loves you. I do love you, Jesus. We want to see your Kingdom come in our cities, this city, and this nation. I'm begging you to light your people on fire to rise up in this place in Jesus' name. Do what only you can do. God, heal the hurt, the sickness, the loneliness, the apathy, the passion for the wrong thing. Heal the hate, the selfishness. Come here. Let your spirit fall on this city, and God, let me see it. 

 

Jeremiah 2:13

"MY PEOPLE HAVE DONE TWO EVIL THINGS. THEY HAVE ABANDONED ME- THE FOUNTAIN OF LIVING WATER. AND THEY HAVE DUG FOR THEMSELVES CRACKED CISTERNS THAT CAN HOLD NO WATER AT ALL."

When we abandon the source of life, we often find ourselves grasping to create something that can hold what life we have left. Only to watch it seep out through the cracks of a broken cistern made by broken hands. 

That's what I was seeing, what I was doing. But still...

He's calling,

"Come home again. I am merciful, I will not be angry with you. Confess that you refused to listen to my voice. I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will guide you with knowledge and understanding. I wanted nothing more than to give you this beautiful land. (OUR CITIES)

I looked forward to your calling me, 'Father!'. My wayward children, come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.

"Yes, we're coming," the people reply.

Jeremiah 3:12-15 & 22-23

Endless Love,

M ♥️

My pile of "to-do"

"To the brokenhearted Christians coming out of authoritarian groups, seeking solace, healing, and hope. May you somehow recover and go on with him who is liberty. And to all brokenhearted Christians: May you be so utterly healed that you can still answer the call of him who asks for all because he is all."

-A Tale of Three Kings-